Distract, relax or be present?
If you have a hammer, a screwdriver and a saw in your tool kit - they are all useful tools.
But, if you try to use a hammer to cut a piece of wood it’s likely you are going to end up feeling frustrated and disappointed with the outcome!
Mental wellbeing strategies posted by many individuals and organisations, include suggestions that are a combination of distraction, relaxation or mindfulness techniques.
They are all useful suggestions, however, they are actually quite different tools that are useful in different circumstances.
If we don’t understand how each tool works - we might apply it in situations where we end up making the problem worse!
Distraction
Useful for:
Temporary situations
If we are working on our garden (a project that will take many days), if it is raining one day we may feel disappointed and frustrated that we can’t get on with the job. It makes sense to distract ourselves from this temporary situation - to enjoy a movie or catch up with friends, rather than dwelling on what we can’t do.
Taking a break from overwhelming thoughts and feelings
Distraction works really well when we want a break from unwanted thoughts or feelings that are very intense. Sometimes we need a little time out to resource ourselves and later we can face the difficulty.
Unhelpful if:
We use it to avoid
However, if we use distraction every time we feel a difficult emotion. For instance, if we distract ourselves every time we feel lonely by going on our phone, then we may never do the hard work of improving our social relationships - and we remain stuck.
Relaxation
Useful for:
Modern life
Modern life is stressful and relaxation is something that needs to be prioritised. But, we may have negative associations with giving ourselves permission to rest or relax (how lazy!).
Yet, we are strengthening our ability to access our parasympathetic nervous system - which helps to modulate the response from our threat and motivational systems (which are often easily stimulated by modern life). When we have a chance to relax our prefrontal cortex and executive functions come back online - and we are much more likely to see new solutions to a problem, or to put our difficulties into perspective.
The ability to relax is a skill that we can strengthen through regular practice. There are many small practices that take only a few minutes that we can integrate into our day that help build our capacity to relax.
Unhelpful if:
We wait until the “right” moment
We just expect to relax when we are in a less stressful situation. We get to the weekend or our holiday and we assume relaxation will follow. How frustrating is it when we finally have space to ourselves and yet we find ourselves wired, tired and irritable? Or worse, sick and exhausted when we finally have time off. Most of us never consider that relaxation is a skill.
We often hold on until we have “time” (which sometimes mysteriously never comes!).
We use it to avoid
If we choose relaxation every time we feel stressed there is a risk that this could become a strategy to avoid difficulties, or to distract ourselves. So we want to use relaxation as a tool with the aim of then being able to employ other strategies later, if needed.
Be present
Useful for:
When our mind is busy, racing and overly negative.
Often when faced with negative thoughts or challenging emotional states we start reacting to them in a way that makes things worse (we don’t mean to!).
“Why am I feeling like this?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“No-one else is struggling like I am.”
“It’s not fair.”
Our response is like turning up the volume on the difficulties.
When we focus on the present moment, we let go of the judgements on the past or predictions of the future, and we are left with the original normal human response to a challenging situation. We are more likely to be able to ‘ride the wave’ of the emotion or to see a wise action that we can take.
Unhelpful if:
We expect to feel peaceful and calm
A common misconception of mindfulness practices is that it should feel nice! We should end up calm and relaxed.
But really mindfulness means being aware of the present moment. And if in the present moment our mind is racing and our emotions are strong, when we slow down that is what we will notice!
Experiencing these difficult and distressing thoughts and emotions is a normal part of being human.
We use it to avoid
Mindfulness isn’t useful if we use it as a distraction or relaxation technique. If we slow down and notice the present moment and notice that our house is on fire - it wouldn’t be very mindful to stay in the burning building! We would want to take appropriate action. Similarly, if we slow down and notice that we are in a toxic environment, or we are repeating a harmful behaviour we would also want to then take the appropriate action.
So next time you want to use a mental wellbeing tool - pause first and consider what is really helpful?
Distract - If it’s temporary or overwhelming, using distraction techniques can help us emotionally regulate.
Relax - In our stressful 24/7 world it is wise to also strengthen our ability to relax to help us soothe our threat and motivational systems, allowing us to restore our ‘optimal functioning’.
Be present - When we are busy and distracted we may be getting even more stressed by the way we are responding - by slowing down and focusing on the present moment we are more likely to manage the current situation and gain a broader perspective on a helpful way forward.